"Well, here we are..."

Hi Friends,

Whew, what a day. I never know quite where to start, but I guess the beginning is always best. I got to RIC around 9:30am, and mom was in the middle of her first speech therapy session. They were trying to get her to recognize written words, including her name and the city she lived in, and did lots of other assessments to determine at what level she is starting out. At the end of the session, the therapist said she definitely has some expressive aphasia type deficits (not always able to find the right words for things and concepts), but that it's pretty clear the cognition and understanding is there most of the time. She also doesn't have lot of tongue movement quite yet, which is why her speech is sometimes very hard to understand. Her attention span is VERY short right now too...these are all normal deficits for the areas of the brain she injured (the left mostly), and can be improved. She did great, and she was able to introduce herself as "Bev!" :) Of course, she did look at a picture of the two of us and say I was her niece, but the therapist had no doubt she just couldn't conjure up "daughter" but knew the concept.

Then came the occupational therapy part of the day, which is working on activities of daily living...today it was undressing and bathing. She finally got to actually get up to the shower! They transferred her to a shower chair and she sat in the shower and sort of tried to help some, but it was clear she was getting pretty tired. She did as much as she could do, having not been able to fall asleep until around 5am. As soon as she was back in bed and her head hit the pillow, she was OUT for a good couple of hours. Betty and Sofie arrived from the airport (after a bit of a trek), and since mom was fast asleep and we were all hungry, we decided to head over to the New Prentice Women's Hospital Grand hOpening since I happened to have my employee ID badge with me. We got some free food, heard a samba band play, and then I was able to give Betty and Sofie a short tour of my new building as of Oct. 20. I ran into some work friends while there, and it was nice to see them and get some extra hugs. After we were done there, we headed over to the Gap to shop for some comfy tshirts and shorts/pajamas for mom to where during rehab...they don't use hospital gowns there during the day, and get patients dressed everyday, so we had to make sure she had lots of good stuff to wear.

When we got back, mom was more awake, which was nice for Betty and Sofie. We hung out for a bit, trying desperately to understand her words, and then Lilly arrived so we had a whole family visit. Lilly brought a plant for the room (a philodendron) which we tentatively dubbed "Ric" (pronounced "Rick")...but when mom was asked if she liked her new plant, she said no, so we'll have to work on that. :) Then mom got up in the wheelchair after her nice afternoon nap, and we toured the halls of the unit around and around and around, and looked at the view of the lake from the dining room. She really enjoyed being up and about, I think. We saw some of the other brain injury patients around the floor, and we think she's definitely starting to really process all this internally. She'd come out with things that seemed totally out of the blue to us, but were valid concerns...at one point, Betty and I were reassuring her that she was going to get better, that it would take time but we have complete faith that she can do it, etc...she asked "Do you guys really believe that?" We told her we wouldn't have said it if we didn't mean it. And she shed a couple of tears, the first I've seen at all so far. She's really scared of the possibility that she won't get any better than she is now, and we tried to reassure her as best we could. And then we just had a few moments of silence, and then, in true "Bev" fashion, said "Well, here we are...." We all got a good laugh out of that. She's such a cutie.

Later in the day, we really knew she was continuing to process things because she kept getting moments of agitation during one of which she asked (we're pretty sure) if she was having or had had seizures at all...wow. Clearly, the wheels are turning and she's held onto at least some of her medical knowledge enough to associate brain injury with seizure activity. We assured her she is not nor has not. A bit later on, Betty and Sofie had stepped out to use the bathroom, and mom was saying something I couldn't understand...she was very tired after her second round of being up in the wheelchair and wheeling around the unit, and she got really frustrated at me and herself. She said "Never mind, it doesn't matter," to which I replied "But it does matter, I'm trying so hard to understand you, and I know it's so frustrating but we have to keep at it." She replied "Forget it, I don't care." I told her never, ever to say she didn't care, and then she said "I don't care, just forget, shut up!" Ouch. I quickly retreated to the corner of the room, and tried to shed my inevitable tears without letting her see, but she kept looking at me out of the corner of my eye. Luckily, then the tech came in to clean her up, so I stepped out and proceeded to sob in the hallway. Betty and Sofie got back from the bathroom just in time to comfort me, and then I was better. We didn't stay too much longer after that...they have her some Ambien to help her sleep tonight, and we waited till she fell asleep and then left.

Then came the next big hurdle for me...we took the bus home. I haven't wanted to board a bus at all since the accident, but I know I will have to at some point because I'm going to go broke taking cabs to and from downtown all the time, and the train is not a viable option for me. So we figured doing it the first time with family would be best...yep, I cried all the way home while Sofie held my hand. I cried for the anxiety, I cried because I felt guilty getting on something which hurt mom so badly, I cried for my former life. But mostly I cried out of fear...mom's not the only one dealing with that. Even with the strides she's making, I'm still scared I won't ever be able to rely on her as my mom again. I might not. That's scary, because it makes me feel like I might be an orphan...but I guess Annie survived okay, although she did get adopted by a rich bald man. ;) Anything to laugh rather than cry, right?

Okay, until tomorrow...mom has no therapy on Sundays, so it will be a day of rest for her. Hopefully she's sleeping okay tonight...I hope I do...