Heartbreak

Hi Friends,

I don't have to tell you it was another crazy day on Labor and Delivery, because it's astonishing if it isn't lately. It was busy, and now it's done, and I'm exhausted. Enough said.

Pam and Jillian were able to spend some time with mom this afternoon, which was so nice of them, and they gave an excellent report of how mom did in speech therapy. Jillian did an ENORMOUSLY HUGE favor for me today, too...I don't need to get into detail...but I will tell you I absolutely don't know what I would do without her, and I owe her SO much. Seriously.

Stef and I went over after work (thanks for coming with me, Stef!) to see mom...she was actually awake, and when we asked her how she was, she said she wasn't doing that well. She said she was getting really tired of being there, and wished she could go home. We had a discussion about how right now she still needs intensive therapy, that she still has problems with her thinking and memory because of the brain injury, and how this is the best, safest place for her to be. I told her the date today, and told her that Nov. 30 is the date they plan to let her leave there. She remarked on how long of a time that was, and then we talked about how much it sucks, and how we didn't deserve any of this happening to us. We talked about how it was just a terrible accident, and that it wasn't anyone's fault, but that it happened, and we have to keep moving forward. I told her it was okay to be sad and mad about it, and that those were perfectly normal feelings for both of us to have, but that we couldn't let them get in the way of moving forward. She even said it herself...that we just have to do it, and get over it, "damnit." We talked about how we have to keep laughing, and that we are not alone in this process, that we have SO many friends and family members who are helping us and supporting us through everything.

For those of you I haven't talked to in person or through email (most of you), I think it's time I let you know...I have come to the agonizing, horrible realization that at this time, I simply don't have the resources available to bring mom home with me once she is discharged from RIC. No one can imagine how truly awful it is to have to come to terms with that unless one has been through something similar, and as you know I have been reluctant to even write about it here because everytime I think about it, I can't bear it. My mom is 52 years old...she doesn't belong in a nursing home. And yet that is the only choice I face at this time...it's the only safe thing to do...I cannot be with her 24 hours a day (which is what she needs), and with the precariousness of her situation right now (mobility issues, cognitive impairment, and the HUGE risk of her injuring her brain further because of the craniotomy), this is the lesser of two evils, though not by much. I hate it. I cannot help but feel like a failure as a daughter, even though I know I'm doing the best I can. It just doesn't feel like enough when I have to make this decision.

And so, you can imagine how tonight's conversation makes it about a million times harder...she wants to go home so badly...how am I supposed to tell her she won't be able to do that after she leaves RIC? How? I'm so afraid she's going to hate me, and I wouldn't blame her one bit. The ONLY way I can live with myself (barely) is to think about it as a temporary solution...she won't always need to be there...it's only been two and a half months since her injury (although in a lot of ways it seems like a lifetime), and she is already doing so well. I have to keep reminding myself of this, and keep the faith that she will continue to improve and soon she WILL be able to come home with me safely. This is also where you come in...I desperately need your support in this, and also your continued faith and reassurance that it's temporary...PLEASE. I'm lost without all of you.