Back to work
Hi Friends,
Well, I went back to work today for 8 hrs, and it actually wasn't that bad. It was a day full of meetings and such, so I wasn't working on the unit with patients, so it was an easier transition, and I was able to get my mind off obsessing about my personal life for a little while. It was nice to see people and just get a bit of normalcy back. I plan to work again on Wednesday, and I think it'll be good then, too. It is very evident that everyone I work with is so concerned and caring and sweet, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that...my friends and coworkers really have my back. Having said that, one of the most exhausting parts about being back is answering many questions about how I'm doing and how mom is doing. It's actually sometimes confusing as to what I should say...I'm not really fine, and my mom is lying in a rehab hospital trying desperately to recover from a traumatic brain injury...but I guess it's all relative and it's easier to just say "I'm doing fine, mom is doing okay." So please, no one take offense if I don't say much when you ask how I am and how mom is at any given time during the day. Know that I appreciate your concern and support, and I'll talk to you about things when the mood/energy strikes. I also promise to continue keeping the blog up to date so you're not completely in the dark. :)
So, after my 8 hrs, Stef and I headed over to see mom...she also went back to work today, having been off Sunday from any therapies. She was clearly exhausted, still in pain, and therefore agitated again. My heart sank, but Stef very wisely pointed out that for having had two really good mood days, it wasn't surprising that she'd be paying for it today. Thanks, Stef. I still couldn't help but be devestatedly disappointed, but it helped to think about it that way. And I must say, she still wasn't as agitated as she had been last week, and seemed somehow a bit less confused still. It's hard to explain unless you are there with her on a daily basis, but it's just something I sense. They had put the Foley catheter back in today because they were having to manually catheterize her several times throughout the day, so they're going to give her some more time before they try to retrain her bladder again. The doctor explained that the particular portion of the brain that controls this function may have been affected by the injury and may not have begun to heal properly. There are other tests they could perform at a later date if she is still having a hard time voiding on her own, but those are not yet indicated. As for her sleep issues, she only slept 3 hrs again last night, which I'm sure also contributed to her agitation...they think it may also have to do with her pain, so they plan to correlate her pain meds with her sleep meds tonight, and hopefully she'll have a better night.
She is not a fan of sitting in her wheelchair lately because of her sore bottom, so she was in bed the whole time I was there. She napped on and off, and was pretty restless when she was awake. At one point, I was sitting beside her and she was so restless, and I was looking at her helplessly. She saw me looking and said "What?" I started tearing up and told her I wished there was something I could do for her to make her feel better. She told me not to be sad, and touched my face. I told her I was sad because I didn't know how to help her. She reassured me and again told me not to be sad. She said it in such a cute way that I smiled and told her I'd try not to be, but that then she couldn't be sad either. She agreed.
I began to feel quite ill again while I was there, very nauseated again and hot like I had a fever...just overall malaise. I'm not sure if my body is trying to fight off some sort of cold or virus or something, or maybe I'm going crazy and it's psychological. ;) I told mom I needed to go home, and she asked why. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and that I thought maybe I had a fever...she looked at me, and in her very concerned, oh-so-familiar but rarely present maternal voice, said "Aww, baby!" I of course reassured her I would be fine and not to worry, but deep down inside, I felt oddly relieved ,or something...I don't even know the right word to describe my feeling, really...not relieved, exactly, I don't know. I sometimes still feel like I'm 5 yrs old and I want my mom to be worried about me and "take care of me." It sounds awful, because really I know she shouldn't worry about anything else but herself right now, and 99.9% of me doesn't want her to be worried at all. But there's that 0.01% that needs my mom to be my mom, and I'm trying desperately to suppress that. I need to suck it up and stop being a baby.
I cried some on the bus on the way home, but I don't think anyone noticed...I just couldn't help it....the sadness just overwhelms me sometimes and it doesn't matter where I am. But now I am lying on the couch again, just like last night, feeling like crap. I don't really have a fever (99.0) which is good, but I have NO appetite. I felt fine all day, but I guess as the day wears on I get more tired and feel sick again or something. I really need to nip this in the bud because I don't want to get mom sick. Off to bed soon. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
Well, I went back to work today for 8 hrs, and it actually wasn't that bad. It was a day full of meetings and such, so I wasn't working on the unit with patients, so it was an easier transition, and I was able to get my mind off obsessing about my personal life for a little while. It was nice to see people and just get a bit of normalcy back. I plan to work again on Wednesday, and I think it'll be good then, too. It is very evident that everyone I work with is so concerned and caring and sweet, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that...my friends and coworkers really have my back. Having said that, one of the most exhausting parts about being back is answering many questions about how I'm doing and how mom is doing. It's actually sometimes confusing as to what I should say...I'm not really fine, and my mom is lying in a rehab hospital trying desperately to recover from a traumatic brain injury...but I guess it's all relative and it's easier to just say "I'm doing fine, mom is doing okay." So please, no one take offense if I don't say much when you ask how I am and how mom is at any given time during the day. Know that I appreciate your concern and support, and I'll talk to you about things when the mood/energy strikes. I also promise to continue keeping the blog up to date so you're not completely in the dark. :)
So, after my 8 hrs, Stef and I headed over to see mom...she also went back to work today, having been off Sunday from any therapies. She was clearly exhausted, still in pain, and therefore agitated again. My heart sank, but Stef very wisely pointed out that for having had two really good mood days, it wasn't surprising that she'd be paying for it today. Thanks, Stef. I still couldn't help but be devestatedly disappointed, but it helped to think about it that way. And I must say, she still wasn't as agitated as she had been last week, and seemed somehow a bit less confused still. It's hard to explain unless you are there with her on a daily basis, but it's just something I sense. They had put the Foley catheter back in today because they were having to manually catheterize her several times throughout the day, so they're going to give her some more time before they try to retrain her bladder again. The doctor explained that the particular portion of the brain that controls this function may have been affected by the injury and may not have begun to heal properly. There are other tests they could perform at a later date if she is still having a hard time voiding on her own, but those are not yet indicated. As for her sleep issues, she only slept 3 hrs again last night, which I'm sure also contributed to her agitation...they think it may also have to do with her pain, so they plan to correlate her pain meds with her sleep meds tonight, and hopefully she'll have a better night.
She is not a fan of sitting in her wheelchair lately because of her sore bottom, so she was in bed the whole time I was there. She napped on and off, and was pretty restless when she was awake. At one point, I was sitting beside her and she was so restless, and I was looking at her helplessly. She saw me looking and said "What?" I started tearing up and told her I wished there was something I could do for her to make her feel better. She told me not to be sad, and touched my face. I told her I was sad because I didn't know how to help her. She reassured me and again told me not to be sad. She said it in such a cute way that I smiled and told her I'd try not to be, but that then she couldn't be sad either. She agreed.
I began to feel quite ill again while I was there, very nauseated again and hot like I had a fever...just overall malaise. I'm not sure if my body is trying to fight off some sort of cold or virus or something, or maybe I'm going crazy and it's psychological. ;) I told mom I needed to go home, and she asked why. I told her I wasn't feeling well, and that I thought maybe I had a fever...she looked at me, and in her very concerned, oh-so-familiar but rarely present maternal voice, said "Aww, baby!" I of course reassured her I would be fine and not to worry, but deep down inside, I felt oddly relieved ,or something...I don't even know the right word to describe my feeling, really...not relieved, exactly, I don't know. I sometimes still feel like I'm 5 yrs old and I want my mom to be worried about me and "take care of me." It sounds awful, because really I know she shouldn't worry about anything else but herself right now, and 99.9% of me doesn't want her to be worried at all. But there's that 0.01% that needs my mom to be my mom, and I'm trying desperately to suppress that. I need to suck it up and stop being a baby.
I cried some on the bus on the way home, but I don't think anyone noticed...I just couldn't help it....the sadness just overwhelms me sometimes and it doesn't matter where I am. But now I am lying on the couch again, just like last night, feeling like crap. I don't really have a fever (99.0) which is good, but I have NO appetite. I felt fine all day, but I guess as the day wears on I get more tired and feel sick again or something. I really need to nip this in the bud because I don't want to get mom sick. Off to bed soon. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
Comments
love-stef xoxoxo
So glad that I could spend the day with you and some time with Bev:) I am so happy that we were able to take her outside today-I think she really enjoyed it! I hope you have a good night and I will see you tomorrow at work!
Love, Jillian