Diamond in the rough
Hi Friends,
Another bad day today...no bones about it. I arrived there to find her in bed and happy to see me, but shortly thereafter she about leapt up and tried to walk to the bathroom without waiting for any help or the wheelchair or anything...she was desperate, and I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that it is still MAJORLY painful for her, and she has to go constantly. They started giving her prune juice to see if that would help regulate her a little better, so we'll see how that works...it is still a huge issue, and that is definitely where her pain is coming from. It is a LITTLE bit better, but still pretty bad.
Her phsyical therapist today was a guy I'd not met yet, and he came into the room shortly after the bathroom fiasco to get her...she was tired from all the hubbub, and one of the only things she did today that I can be remotely happy about, the "diamond in the rough" as in my title, was that she actually introduced me to the physical therapist. He was introducing himself to us, and asked if I was her daughter...she said, "Yeah, this is Amanda," and indicated me. She'd not done that before, so that made me smile. She fought her PT today as she has been doing the past few days, but we were able to get her to walk about twice as far as she did yesterday, according to the therapist. Of course, there were several times when she refused to do anymore, and she cried, and she also got angry. But somehow we were able to keep her going.
Little did I know that was a piece of cake compared with her speech therapy session. Soon after her PT ended, she had to get up to the bathroom again, and once again it was a major event which took a long time and was VERY painful. She was exhausted afterward, and of course her speech therapy session was next. She was falling asleep in her wheelchair when the therapist Michelle arrived, and she, Jillian and I had a conversation about her lack of progress in speech therapy. She's the one that requested the CT scan be done to see if there was something medically going on (such as hydrocephalus) to cause her agitation and uncooperation during therapies (as of when I talked to them, the results still weren't back). She said she's not sure if it's her pain that is hindering her, or whether it is a behavioral issue, which does happen sometimes as a result of a brain injury. They increased her antidepressant dosage, but so far that doesn't seem to have helped much (although I guess Lexapro sometimes takes a bit to kick in fully), and she discussed how sometimes they start Ritalin in combo with antidepressants to help, but that if sleep is still an issue, that may not be the best thing. She wanted to rule out medical causes before they decide she has behavioral issues, but if she does, I really don't know what's going to happen. They modify the methods of therapy, but I'm not sure how that goes in terms of recovering from behavioral issues. It's something I need to learn more about if in fact that's what we're dealing with...if it is, I'm afraid my psyche is going to take a turn for the worse...it already has.
During the speech therapy session, we kept having to try to wake her up, and she kept either not really wanting to wake up or getting mad at us for doing so...the only time she actually perked up was when they worked on swallowing, and she got to have some thickened orange juice on a spoon...she really liked that and kept wanting more and more...but she wouldn't really do any of the other stuff, like looking at the pieces of paper with things on it to orient her (month, year, city, name of hospital, etc.) or answering any questions. I guess our talk yesterday didn't do a thing. We finally stopped for the day, and shortly after that Jillian and I got her back in bed and she dozed off for awhile. I did some of her laundry, and she woke up after a bit..we had another chat, and I made her promise that tomorrow she'd do better in her therapies...she did promise, and then later in the evening I asked her about her promise and whether she was going to keep it, and she said yes. However, she told me this yesterday, too, and we all know what happened today. Nick came by this evening for a visit, but unfortuanately she napped through most of it, and wasn't nearly as hospitable as she usually is when he visits. We left shortly after we got back from dinner, to let her rest...the night nurse from last night was on again tonight and told me she had slept pretty well last night, and that he kind of had to wake her up this morning, that she was sort of groggy. I don't know if this is good or not...I mean, I'm glad she slept, but it makes me wonder why she was groggy and why she was so tired today during her therapy if she slept last night.
I feel like my life is never again going to be free from major anxiety about one thing or another related to her recovery and well-being. I feel like I'm never going to not be sad...something new to worry about is always around the corner. It's one thing after another...I don't know what I was thinking a few days ago when I was so "happy"....I must have been crazy, temporarily insane. I'm trying so hard to see the positives, to "keep the faith," to maintain hope. But it's so damn hard, and I need to be constantly reminded that she can and will still get better...what kind of daughter am I, to be having doubts? If I have them, how can she possibly keep going? I need to snap out of it...please keep loving and praying.
Another bad day today...no bones about it. I arrived there to find her in bed and happy to see me, but shortly thereafter she about leapt up and tried to walk to the bathroom without waiting for any help or the wheelchair or anything...she was desperate, and I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that it is still MAJORLY painful for her, and she has to go constantly. They started giving her prune juice to see if that would help regulate her a little better, so we'll see how that works...it is still a huge issue, and that is definitely where her pain is coming from. It is a LITTLE bit better, but still pretty bad.
Her phsyical therapist today was a guy I'd not met yet, and he came into the room shortly after the bathroom fiasco to get her...she was tired from all the hubbub, and one of the only things she did today that I can be remotely happy about, the "diamond in the rough" as in my title, was that she actually introduced me to the physical therapist. He was introducing himself to us, and asked if I was her daughter...she said, "Yeah, this is Amanda," and indicated me. She'd not done that before, so that made me smile. She fought her PT today as she has been doing the past few days, but we were able to get her to walk about twice as far as she did yesterday, according to the therapist. Of course, there were several times when she refused to do anymore, and she cried, and she also got angry. But somehow we were able to keep her going.
Little did I know that was a piece of cake compared with her speech therapy session. Soon after her PT ended, she had to get up to the bathroom again, and once again it was a major event which took a long time and was VERY painful. She was exhausted afterward, and of course her speech therapy session was next. She was falling asleep in her wheelchair when the therapist Michelle arrived, and she, Jillian and I had a conversation about her lack of progress in speech therapy. She's the one that requested the CT scan be done to see if there was something medically going on (such as hydrocephalus) to cause her agitation and uncooperation during therapies (as of when I talked to them, the results still weren't back). She said she's not sure if it's her pain that is hindering her, or whether it is a behavioral issue, which does happen sometimes as a result of a brain injury. They increased her antidepressant dosage, but so far that doesn't seem to have helped much (although I guess Lexapro sometimes takes a bit to kick in fully), and she discussed how sometimes they start Ritalin in combo with antidepressants to help, but that if sleep is still an issue, that may not be the best thing. She wanted to rule out medical causes before they decide she has behavioral issues, but if she does, I really don't know what's going to happen. They modify the methods of therapy, but I'm not sure how that goes in terms of recovering from behavioral issues. It's something I need to learn more about if in fact that's what we're dealing with...if it is, I'm afraid my psyche is going to take a turn for the worse...it already has.
During the speech therapy session, we kept having to try to wake her up, and she kept either not really wanting to wake up or getting mad at us for doing so...the only time she actually perked up was when they worked on swallowing, and she got to have some thickened orange juice on a spoon...she really liked that and kept wanting more and more...but she wouldn't really do any of the other stuff, like looking at the pieces of paper with things on it to orient her (month, year, city, name of hospital, etc.) or answering any questions. I guess our talk yesterday didn't do a thing. We finally stopped for the day, and shortly after that Jillian and I got her back in bed and she dozed off for awhile. I did some of her laundry, and she woke up after a bit..we had another chat, and I made her promise that tomorrow she'd do better in her therapies...she did promise, and then later in the evening I asked her about her promise and whether she was going to keep it, and she said yes. However, she told me this yesterday, too, and we all know what happened today. Nick came by this evening for a visit, but unfortuanately she napped through most of it, and wasn't nearly as hospitable as she usually is when he visits. We left shortly after we got back from dinner, to let her rest...the night nurse from last night was on again tonight and told me she had slept pretty well last night, and that he kind of had to wake her up this morning, that she was sort of groggy. I don't know if this is good or not...I mean, I'm glad she slept, but it makes me wonder why she was groggy and why she was so tired today during her therapy if she slept last night.
I feel like my life is never again going to be free from major anxiety about one thing or another related to her recovery and well-being. I feel like I'm never going to not be sad...something new to worry about is always around the corner. It's one thing after another...I don't know what I was thinking a few days ago when I was so "happy"....I must have been crazy, temporarily insane. I'm trying so hard to see the positives, to "keep the faith," to maintain hope. But it's so damn hard, and I need to be constantly reminded that she can and will still get better...what kind of daughter am I, to be having doubts? If I have them, how can she possibly keep going? I need to snap out of it...please keep loving and praying.
Comments
I hope you have a relaxing night:) I know today was really rough for you and Bev. Just know that I am always here for you and hang in there!! Hope that tomorrow is a better day:)
Love, Jillian
Just wanted to let you know, we are all still SO full of love and prayer for your mom, as she continues to recover, and for you, as you continue to be the greatest source of encouragement and strength for her. It's okay to have doubts and hard days.. it's okay, too, to rejoice in better days and celebrate your mom's successes! As you've said, it's a long road, but just think of how far she's come! And remember that all of your love, your talks, your hugs are probably the best kind of therapy she's getting.. Lots of luv today & always!!