Happy Halloween

Hi Friends,

Hope everyone had a good Halloween. I of course had to work today (only 8 hrs again thanks to Stef!!!), and I was somewhat distracted all day thinking about this huge decision I have to make. I am no closer to a decision about mom's discharge than I was yesterday...if anything, I am even more confused and unsure. My nerves are frayed, and sometimes I feel like such a bad daughter for not being more sure of myself and my decision-making abilities...I don't want her to hate me for whatever decision I make...I obviously want what's best for her, but I'm so confused as to what that might be, and I know my lack of resources is a huge factor and problem. I feel like I might be forced into a corner...everytime I think about it, I get so sad and confused, and don't seem to really get anywhere. I don't want to be in charge anymore.

There is some good news out of today, though...mom had her swallow study today, and she did great! The therapy manager came in to talk to us about how mom did...she said that physically, mom's swallow looks great, and that there are no muscular issues that would prevent her from eating certain foods. Cognitively, they want to start slowly and make it a gradual introduction back to food, because if she doesn't like something, they are afraid that without supervision, she might hold the food in her mouth and not want to swallow it, thus making her more at risk for choking...or she might just spit it out. Also, after a brain injury, it's very easy to develop bad behavioral habits (like spitting stuff out), so they want to make sure she has a structured reintroduction to eating and drinking so as not to develop these bad habits, because they are really hard to break once they develop. During the swallow test, she apparently preferred the thickened liquids to the regular thin liquids (she liked the stuff with the barium in it better!)...we think it may have to do with the increased sensation provided by the thicker liquids...she enjoys the feeling of something in her mouth and swallowing it, because she hasn't had it for so long. They said probably the more she has, the more used to it she will become again and then will probably not mind going back to regular thin liquids. So tomorrow morning, they're ordering her a "sample" tray with all different stuff on it, and they're going to have her try things and let her eat whatever she will eat! You name it...pancakes, eggs, oatmeal...everything! They'll do it with her speech therapist, and will have her eat one meal a day, with speech therapy, for now, and then gradually increase this. :) Yay, she gets to eat real food!!!

Mom talked to both my Uncle Jack and Aunt Betty on the phone today (two separate conversations), which was good. Aunt Linda, Lilly and I spent some time with her talking and hanging out, and then her friend Nick came by for a visit, but by that time, unfortunately she was getting tired out just as he was arriving, so he wasn't able to stay long...she'd had a long day and had been up in her chair for most of it, so it made sense she needed a nap. We left around 5:30 or so for dinner, and the four of us ended up going to the Grand Lux Cafe around the corner. We had a nice dinner, and then we girls headed back over to say goodnight. Mom had woken up by the time we got back, and was still tired, but we did hang out a bit more...Lilly made her a pumpkin out of construction paper which we hung inside her "princess bed," as Aunt Linda has dubbed it. We also hung her stuffed pumpkin guy up (thanks, Monica!)...today, we thought he should have a name, and Ellie and Jackson (my cousins) always name things "Bob," so that was his first name. Then we suggested to mom that he should have a last name, and she thought about it for a minute and then said "O'Rourke." So, "Bob O'Rourke" it is, an Irish pumpkin. ;)

There were lots of other funny quotes from today...for example, she still sometimes has difficulty with names when she thinks about it too hard...so she called Lilly "Medley" (maybe a combo of Manda and Lilly?)...Lilly loved it though, and is considering changing her name! ;) We actually induced hearty, belly laughter...all of us were cracking up, but most importantly she was. She's got a great laugh, and it was good to hear it used again. Pieces of her short term memory are coming back, and of course she does best the less tired she is...but there are glimmers. It makes its appearance once in awhile...like if we get sidetracked on a conversation, or if someone else interjects with a side bar, mom has been trying to redirect the conversation back to the original speaker and topic. That's great! Also, she got a bit tearful when talking about being sad she couldn't go home..."I feel like I should be there. Who is going to take care of the cat?" That word, "cat", has been one she's struggled with in speech therapy..."dog" would come out okay, but for some reason "cat" wasn't so easy...but when she said it tonight, it was crystal clear and without hesitation, along with the concept she was expressing. I of course assured her I was taking care of everything, and that she would be coming home some time to her house and her cat and her stuff, that everything would be waiting for her when it was time...the more conversations we have like that, the harder it becomes for me, because I don't want to give her false information if she doesn't end up coming straight home. But she wants to so badly. Again, feelings of being a bad daughter come up...if I was good enough, I'd be able to figure something out to make that work...move heaven and earth.

Well, tomorrow is the big breakfast which I plan to be there for so I must go to bed now. She also has her appointment with her neurosurgeon at the other hospital...well, I think it's in the office building next to the hospital, but it will bring back memories to be in that 'hood again. A little field trip for mom. Wish us luck...not sure for what, but just luck I guess. Also, please help me find the strength and wits I need to make these huge decisions...I could use all the help I can get. Peace to you all.