Better than expected
Hi Friends,
When I was awoken at 4am this morning by the cats growling and hissing at each other, the lamp knocked over, and Moe throwing up on the floor, I didn't think today would be that great a day. At 6:10am, the exact time of my birth 26 years ago today, I was almost ready to leave for work and took pause to think of mom...in years past, she would sometimes call me at that exact minute to wish me a happy birthday, and of course no phone call came through, and I got sad. But then I moved on, and thought that this is only one birthday out of my life, and I guess I can let it slide this time because every single other birthday she has made SO special for me, so she can have a break.
Little did I know what I had in store for me later in the day...my friends at work are absolutely amazing, and without fail let me know how much they love me. People handed me cards before report this morning, I got constant birthday wishes from EVERYONE in the halls, and birthday messages were written on the white boards at the nurse's station, prompting more birthday wishes from people who wouldn't normally have even known...including patients' visitors! :) We ordered lunch, and they were sneaky and asked me to come into the staff lounge where there awaited a whole group of people with a big cake and ice cream and singing...of course I teared up and turned red all at once. Then Monica, though it was her day off, walked in bearing a tray of yummy cupcakes which spelled out "Happy Birthday Amanda!" on them. Wow.
I got a lunch break today (thanks, Leanne!) and was able to go over and visit mom, and Monica came with me. Tiffany came by for a visit then too, so it was a little group celebration! :) I was so happy to see mom during lunch for once, and had brought with me some pictures of the day of my birth of her holding me in bed, and of me in my bassinet at the hospital, and even one of her with her pregnant belly. :) She LOVED looking at those, and it is clear she remembers that day though she cannot yet express the details. She looks SO beautiful and happy in those photos...she is the exact same age in those pictures the day she had me as I am now. :) Full circle. But the BEST part of my visit came when Laura, mom's OT, stole her out of the room for a few minutes, and they came back carrying a cake and singing Happy Birthday on their way in. :) They had made the cake together yesterday, and frosted it today right before bringing it in. It was DELICIOUS, and though I had already eaten cake and ice cream and a cupcake (by now my already sick stomach was a little overloaded), I HAD to eat some more cake because SHE MADE it for me. So Tiffany, Monica, Michelle and Laura had some cake, and Alma even popped in for a piece, but Dinh was watching his figure so he only stopped by to give me his present to me, a book called "Ambiguous Loss," written by a family social worker which I will have to start reading when I'm not trying to celebrate but to which I look very forward.
Mom's was the BEST present ever, because it was so unexpected and more than I could've asked for. She'd made me a card with her speech therapist Michelle, who also came and had some cake with us, and mom drew a cat on the card, a pair of lips kissing, some hearts, and I Love You. Best card I ever got, and I'll treasure it forever. Mom shared the cake with a couple of the other staff and patients whom she really talks to a lot. :) I unfortunately had to go back to work, but Monica stayed to hang out for a little while longer and said mom did great in the rest of her OT and worked on building up endurance for standing and walking. My dear sweet friend Kelly had an adorable flower arrangement delivered to RIC for mom and myself, and she opened the package while standing, and had to put the card back into the holder (I guess she was getting frustrated with this but finally did get it). They walked around and socialized, and just chatted, I guess. Mom likes to comment on wedding and engagement rings, and Monica's did not escape her notice...then she noticed Monica's watch and told the time fairly accurately (5 minutes late isn't too shabby) and remembered Monica's somewhat off-handed comment earlier that she had to leave at 4pm and wanted to remind her. She remembered that comment! :)
Got back to work, whereupon I had a nice talk with Leanne re: resources to tap into for various things, and then I was called to the front desk to accept a delivery...it was flowers and a message from Stef!!! :) They're absolutely beautiful, and smell divine. Then not 5 minutes later, another delivery arrived, this time a cookie bouquet from Jillian with a balloon and a sweet message! :) There were a bouquet of balloons sitting on the desk attached to a bag of candy and a card from sweet Tooch, and with all the other cards and goodies I was thoroughly overwhelmed and felt SO loved. I think I started crying about 10 times today for various reasons, mostly all good because I am thankful to have all of you. The effort you all put into making my day as special as possible under the circumstances was great, and very successful. I was expecting just another day where I would try to just forget about it and work through it and accept that it would not be the same. And it wasn't the same, but in ways even better than ever before. You didn't let me forget that it was my special day no matter how I tried to, and I thank you for that. It has certainly made me appreciate all the smaller things, and enjoy what I can where I can get it. Hey, an imperfect, drawn card isn't what I normally would get from my mom, but I love it and I'm so thankful she can make me a card at all. And a cake IS what I would have gotten from my mom, so that's the same! Really, the only gift I was hoping for for my birthday is that I would have her with me to love and talk to and hold, and I do...that's all I could ever want or need ever again, period. I have been blessed.
Of course, that isn't to say I didn't still mourn birthdays past...how could I not? After two days of work and not feeling very well and being so exhausted in mind and body, my breaking point is easily reachable, and I sobbed like a child to my mom this evening, I'm embarrassed to say. I told her I hoped she remembered what she always claimed was the happiest day in her life, because every birthday she loved to reminisce about every detail of her labor, being at home, going to the hospital, and having me. She was so proud that day, not only of me but of herself for doing it with such grace. And now that I work in that field, we could REALLY talk about it and we could conjecture about things that perhaps at the time she didn't understand about how everything happened. That was one of my favorite stories to hear her tell every year, no matter how old I have gotten...and I cried because I'm scared those essential memories will be lost, were stolen by this brain injury. I cried because I am the same age as she was then, when she was just starting out with her life and her new daughter, and no one could have ever imagined that this was in our future...she just looks SO happy and hopeful and in love. How did we ever get from there to here?
Ugh, enough. Mom assures me we will celebrate much better when she is up and out, and I believe her. She realizes she has not been able to do what she normally does, and I told her she's the best and only present I could ever ask for, and that just by getting better everyday and working, she continues to give me wonderful gifts. I told her she takes care of me though she may not know it just by being there for me and listening to what I have to say, and she was very happy to know that her mothering skills are still being put to good use. She needs to feel as though she can take care of me again, and she does...everyday.
Okay, I'm not sure how my eyes are still open at this point. I need to fend off this approaching illness that has me feeling under the weather...lots of vitamins tonight, and hopefully some peaceful sleep. Thank you to all who made my birthday so special (down to the cards I got in the mail when I got home tonight!!)...I can't thank you enough, and it means more to me than you'll ever know. I love you.
When I was awoken at 4am this morning by the cats growling and hissing at each other, the lamp knocked over, and Moe throwing up on the floor, I didn't think today would be that great a day. At 6:10am, the exact time of my birth 26 years ago today, I was almost ready to leave for work and took pause to think of mom...in years past, she would sometimes call me at that exact minute to wish me a happy birthday, and of course no phone call came through, and I got sad. But then I moved on, and thought that this is only one birthday out of my life, and I guess I can let it slide this time because every single other birthday she has made SO special for me, so she can have a break.
Little did I know what I had in store for me later in the day...my friends at work are absolutely amazing, and without fail let me know how much they love me. People handed me cards before report this morning, I got constant birthday wishes from EVERYONE in the halls, and birthday messages were written on the white boards at the nurse's station, prompting more birthday wishes from people who wouldn't normally have even known...including patients' visitors! :) We ordered lunch, and they were sneaky and asked me to come into the staff lounge where there awaited a whole group of people with a big cake and ice cream and singing...of course I teared up and turned red all at once. Then Monica, though it was her day off, walked in bearing a tray of yummy cupcakes which spelled out "Happy Birthday Amanda!" on them. Wow.
I got a lunch break today (thanks, Leanne!) and was able to go over and visit mom, and Monica came with me. Tiffany came by for a visit then too, so it was a little group celebration! :) I was so happy to see mom during lunch for once, and had brought with me some pictures of the day of my birth of her holding me in bed, and of me in my bassinet at the hospital, and even one of her with her pregnant belly. :) She LOVED looking at those, and it is clear she remembers that day though she cannot yet express the details. She looks SO beautiful and happy in those photos...she is the exact same age in those pictures the day she had me as I am now. :) Full circle. But the BEST part of my visit came when Laura, mom's OT, stole her out of the room for a few minutes, and they came back carrying a cake and singing Happy Birthday on their way in. :) They had made the cake together yesterday, and frosted it today right before bringing it in. It was DELICIOUS, and though I had already eaten cake and ice cream and a cupcake (by now my already sick stomach was a little overloaded), I HAD to eat some more cake because SHE MADE it for me. So Tiffany, Monica, Michelle and Laura had some cake, and Alma even popped in for a piece, but Dinh was watching his figure so he only stopped by to give me his present to me, a book called "Ambiguous Loss," written by a family social worker which I will have to start reading when I'm not trying to celebrate but to which I look very forward.
Mom's was the BEST present ever, because it was so unexpected and more than I could've asked for. She'd made me a card with her speech therapist Michelle, who also came and had some cake with us, and mom drew a cat on the card, a pair of lips kissing, some hearts, and I Love You. Best card I ever got, and I'll treasure it forever. Mom shared the cake with a couple of the other staff and patients whom she really talks to a lot. :) I unfortunately had to go back to work, but Monica stayed to hang out for a little while longer and said mom did great in the rest of her OT and worked on building up endurance for standing and walking. My dear sweet friend Kelly had an adorable flower arrangement delivered to RIC for mom and myself, and she opened the package while standing, and had to put the card back into the holder (I guess she was getting frustrated with this but finally did get it). They walked around and socialized, and just chatted, I guess. Mom likes to comment on wedding and engagement rings, and Monica's did not escape her notice...then she noticed Monica's watch and told the time fairly accurately (5 minutes late isn't too shabby) and remembered Monica's somewhat off-handed comment earlier that she had to leave at 4pm and wanted to remind her. She remembered that comment! :)
Got back to work, whereupon I had a nice talk with Leanne re: resources to tap into for various things, and then I was called to the front desk to accept a delivery...it was flowers and a message from Stef!!! :) They're absolutely beautiful, and smell divine. Then not 5 minutes later, another delivery arrived, this time a cookie bouquet from Jillian with a balloon and a sweet message! :) There were a bouquet of balloons sitting on the desk attached to a bag of candy and a card from sweet Tooch, and with all the other cards and goodies I was thoroughly overwhelmed and felt SO loved. I think I started crying about 10 times today for various reasons, mostly all good because I am thankful to have all of you. The effort you all put into making my day as special as possible under the circumstances was great, and very successful. I was expecting just another day where I would try to just forget about it and work through it and accept that it would not be the same. And it wasn't the same, but in ways even better than ever before. You didn't let me forget that it was my special day no matter how I tried to, and I thank you for that. It has certainly made me appreciate all the smaller things, and enjoy what I can where I can get it. Hey, an imperfect, drawn card isn't what I normally would get from my mom, but I love it and I'm so thankful she can make me a card at all. And a cake IS what I would have gotten from my mom, so that's the same! Really, the only gift I was hoping for for my birthday is that I would have her with me to love and talk to and hold, and I do...that's all I could ever want or need ever again, period. I have been blessed.
Of course, that isn't to say I didn't still mourn birthdays past...how could I not? After two days of work and not feeling very well and being so exhausted in mind and body, my breaking point is easily reachable, and I sobbed like a child to my mom this evening, I'm embarrassed to say. I told her I hoped she remembered what she always claimed was the happiest day in her life, because every birthday she loved to reminisce about every detail of her labor, being at home, going to the hospital, and having me. She was so proud that day, not only of me but of herself for doing it with such grace. And now that I work in that field, we could REALLY talk about it and we could conjecture about things that perhaps at the time she didn't understand about how everything happened. That was one of my favorite stories to hear her tell every year, no matter how old I have gotten...and I cried because I'm scared those essential memories will be lost, were stolen by this brain injury. I cried because I am the same age as she was then, when she was just starting out with her life and her new daughter, and no one could have ever imagined that this was in our future...she just looks SO happy and hopeful and in love. How did we ever get from there to here?
Ugh, enough. Mom assures me we will celebrate much better when she is up and out, and I believe her. She realizes she has not been able to do what she normally does, and I told her she's the best and only present I could ever ask for, and that just by getting better everyday and working, she continues to give me wonderful gifts. I told her she takes care of me though she may not know it just by being there for me and listening to what I have to say, and she was very happy to know that her mothering skills are still being put to good use. She needs to feel as though she can take care of me again, and she does...everyday.
Okay, I'm not sure how my eyes are still open at this point. I need to fend off this approaching illness that has me feeling under the weather...lots of vitamins tonight, and hopefully some peaceful sleep. Thank you to all who made my birthday so special (down to the cards I got in the mail when I got home tonight!!)...I can't thank you enough, and it means more to me than you'll ever know. I love you.
Comments
Love,
Devon
Love-stef
Can't wait to celebrate with you on Friday!
Love, Jillian