Hallelujah!

Hi Friends!!!

I haven't been this ecstatic in over 7 weeks, and I absolutely couldn't wait to share it with all of you!!!! Tonight was quite possibly THE best day in mom's recovery thus far!!!! But you'll just have to wait until I build up to it. ;)

I did not sleep worth CRAP last night, and laid in bed until at least 12 noon feeling sorry for myself, being SO tired, but not able to sleep in thinking about all I should be doing...in the middle of the night, Moe (mom's cat) was sleeping on the bed with me, and started wretching (if you know cats, you know that sound), and I was JUST barely able to get her off the bed in time before she threw up two big hairballs. Phew! But I was completely awake to catch it...had I been sleeping, the bed would have gotten quite disgusting. Anyway, so I finally forced myself to get up, and for a little while I didn't do much of anything. Then I made some necessary phone calls, which took me WAY longer than it should have but I was feeling irrationally scared about making them, and so kept putting them off.

Then I finally got in the shower and got ready to go, and made it to mom around 4:15 or so...she was in bed, and doing okay...not so agitated as she has been, and glad to see me I guess. Pam got there shortly thereafter, and we hung out with her for a bit while we were waiting for Jillian to get there from the 'burbs so we could take her out for her birthday dinner. We told mom that's what our plans were, and she said it was nice, but then kept asking what we were waiting for, and we kept telling her "Jillian." She asked "Well, where is she?" and we explained she was driving into the city and parking. I remembered that I had brought an email I had received from one of her former students she'd particularly bonded with to read to her, and I pulled it out and read it. It probably took me a good 2-3 minutes to read it, and she paid attention the whole time, and when I was finished, she started crying, and said how very sweet and nice it was. Wow, Pam and I were amazed...she GOT it. When Jillian got there, she said hi and we hung out briefly, but then told her we were going to dinner...she wanted to know why she couldn't come with us (awww!!!) and genuinely didn't understand and was sad she couldn't come!!! :( We all felt so bad leaving, but we explained that we'd get in trouble with the doctors if we tried to bring her to dinner with us.

Had a nice dinner, and then Jillian and I headed back over to the hospital to say a brief goodnight and then go home. When we arrived, they were just finishing cleaning her up and getting her into her pajamas. This is never pleasant for her because of her issues with her sore behind, and when I walked in, she immediately looked over to me, reached out for me, and grabbed onto me. She looked deep in my eyes and said "I'm so glad you're here. There was a point...when it was really awful." I asked her what was awful, and she said "That moment, just before," I think referring to the pain of getting cleaned up. I assured her I was here now, and that everything was okay. At this point, I thought that this was nothing new, she'd been glad to see me before. But then she started crying, and telling me she was scared because she was there in the hospital, and she didn't want me to go. Gosh, I wish I had been able to record this so I could write it here for all of you verbatim. She said she wanted to be able to go to sleep with me, not in the hospital. I told her I knew, but that now was not the time for that, but that I'd stay with her for a little while. She continued to tell me she loved me so much, and was so glad I was there...I told her I was so proud of her, that she was doing so well, and getting better everyday. Her confidence in her progress was faltering, and I kept telling her she was doing a little bit more everyday, and that even this conversation we were having was an amazing step in the right direction. She said "Really?" I told her there was a time when I was so scared that I was going to lose her altogether, and she started crying harder and reached for my face with her hands and said "You always had me, I was always there." And I said "I know now that you were, you just couldn't tell me you were there, could you?" and she said "No." She said that she wasn't going to be there in the hospital forever, and that it would be a lot of hard work (she actually said those words) but that she was going home and that she was doing it all for ME. OH MY GOD. I told her I hated it that this was happening right then because of course tomorrow is my first 12 hr shift back to work and I won't be able to hang out there all day tomorrow with her, and she said that was okay. I told her she'd be getting a visit from her friend Nick tomorrow, and she was so glad and excited (she doesn't really remember any prior visits...sorry Nick, don't worry, it's not you)...we showed her the poster he made for her again, and she was REALLY looking at it hard for a good long time and commenting on how great it was...I also showed her the cards from Linda (my aunt), and the fall leaves she sent in one of the cards that Lilly hung on the wall, and she was so pleased with them and thought they were so great. I told her again that Linda was coming for a visit, and she was so glad and excited, and she wanted to know if Jillian and I would be there too...I told her we could have a big Halloween party if she wanted to!! She told Jillian she loved her too, and was so glad she was there, and that Jillian should come and visit her anytime. Jillian agreed. :) Then she wanted to know "How's your boy?" to Jillian...we couldn't figure out what she meant at first, but then it came to us...she was asking about Jillian's husband Brendan!!! She told him he was fine, and that he had even come to visit her way back a few weeks ago. She smiled, said "Awwww....I'm retarded." We told her "No you're not!" I think she meant because she didn't remember any of that stuff from before, which is totally normal. :) Then she said "Well, if you have to work tomorrow, you should probably go so you can sleep." I told to please also try and get some rest, and she said she would try. I told her if she needed ANYTHING during the night, that she could have the nurse call me and I'd be there, and she thanked me so much for that and said "I know you're always there." I told her even when I'm not there physically, my heart is always there with her, and she said she knew that. She told me she's always been so proud of me, and I said we'd get through it together, that it was an adventure we hadn't chosen but one we'd go through together. She was teary throughout the entire conversation, and she was just talking like normal...even using phrases like "I mean..." and "It's just...."

I was flipping out and so excited, and I went to tell the nurse, and ended up bawling to the nurse manager about it (I've met her before and she's really great)...she was very happy and said it's a great sign...the only thing she warned me of is that it's completely normal that tomorrow, mom may be a little more fuzzy again, and that sometimes it's an up and down thing...but she said it was great and that probably it will keep getting better and better, and that sometimes it just happens suddenly like that and sometimes it's a long, drawn out process.

I just couldn't be happier tonight...I talked to my mom and she talked to me...this was different than anything she's done so far, even when I thought she was having lucid moments, this was different. This was better. This was awareness, for better or worse. If she is HER, I can do this. Even as the medical bills have started rolling in, I feel so much more like I can handle this...I know there are still many hard days to come, still so much to figure out, and still there is SO much work to be done. But I have gathered some strength from her tonight whether she knows it or not, and for the first time I feel okay about what tomorrow may bring...damnit that I have to go to work, but it'll be okay. ;) Our collective love and prayers are working, friends, they're working. For lack of a better word, Hallelujah!