Patience
Hi friends,
First of all, thank you for your continued support and love...without that, I'd be completely lost in the world right now. I have some truly wonderful friends who are getting me through the rough days, one of which was today.
I'm not sure how to tell you exactly what made today rough for me...I guess part of it had to do with the fact that today I moved out of my old apartment officially, and sent all my furniture and other stuff to storage for an unknown amount of time. I'd had the movers booked for weeks now, well before the accident happened. I had just assumed that mom and I would be packing my place up together, and celebrating together the day that I got out of the place (for those who don't know, there were many reasons which I don't need to delve into here why I was very excited to move out). The whole time I was cleaning the place after the movers left, I couldn't help but think about how mom and I were supposed to be doing this together. I only spent a total of about an hour and a half there by myself cleaning before my dear friend Suzi got there, but during that time, I got more and more anxious and sad. When she did get there, I completely had a meltdown, and she had to "talk me down from the ledge" so to speak. But she did, and then helped me finish up the cleaning, and then we left the place for the last time. As sure as I was excited to be out of there, it felt wrong to say goodbye without mom there with me to share in the joy. But somehow I got through.
Suzi and I got lunch and ate outside the hospital on this gorgeous fall day (although I'm not exactly ready for fall). Then we went to see my beloved mom. She looks so good, she's just so beautiful and everyone comments on her gorgeous skin...she really does look ten years younger than she actually is. She was significantly more agitated today than she has been thus far...her left leg was kicking like crazy, and she kept rubbing her left hip as though it was sore. Her sweet nurse gave her some pain meds through her PEG tube, and Pam, who came by for a couple hours, and I repositioned her tilted on her right side. She then seemed to be a little more comfortable for awhile. After Pam left, I just stayed and read a book while holding her hand and massaging her hands and feet with her favorite scented lotion. For the first time, she raised her left hand enough to touch her face (near her mouth)...this is new. She did turn her head toward me periodically and focus her eyes on me too...I just wonder if she knows who I am or if she has absolutely no idea who is looking so intently into her face and telling her she loves her. Sometimes I am so convinced she knows it's me and takes comfort in that, and other times I am not so sure at all and am so afraid she is scared and doesn't recognize any of us. I just hope that deep down in her heart, she feels our love and somewhere inside knows we are there with her constantly. I don't want her to be scared and feel all alone.
I forgot to tell you about something that she had done yesterday...she had a PICC line placed thank goodness, and now they won't have to poke her much at all. A PICC line is a "Peripherally inserted central catheter," which is basically an IV that in her case is inserted through her upper left arm and threaded through the blood vessels until the tip is resting in the superior vena cava (a blood vessel leading to her heart). This can be in place more longterm for her antibiotic therapy and whatever other IV fluids and meds she may need. They can also draw blood from this, which eliminates more pokes. I am VERY glad they put this in, because it's so much better for her in the long run.
So overall, it was a status quo day for mom and a not so nice day for me. For the first time since the accident, I am sleeping by myself without a sleepover partner, which I'm sure is contributing to my anxiety. We'll see how it goes...I've had approximately 5 meltdowns today, and according to my Aunt Betty my limit is 6, so I guess I'm okay for the day (so far anyway). At least I have a "Mega Mango Margarita" on board thanks to Nikki, Kate, Meg Mc and Cesar's Mexican Restaurant. Hopefully this will help me sleep a bit despite being alone tonight. Wish me luck. Thank you all again for your continued support. You're the best friends I could ever ask for.
First of all, thank you for your continued support and love...without that, I'd be completely lost in the world right now. I have some truly wonderful friends who are getting me through the rough days, one of which was today.
I'm not sure how to tell you exactly what made today rough for me...I guess part of it had to do with the fact that today I moved out of my old apartment officially, and sent all my furniture and other stuff to storage for an unknown amount of time. I'd had the movers booked for weeks now, well before the accident happened. I had just assumed that mom and I would be packing my place up together, and celebrating together the day that I got out of the place (for those who don't know, there were many reasons which I don't need to delve into here why I was very excited to move out). The whole time I was cleaning the place after the movers left, I couldn't help but think about how mom and I were supposed to be doing this together. I only spent a total of about an hour and a half there by myself cleaning before my dear friend Suzi got there, but during that time, I got more and more anxious and sad. When she did get there, I completely had a meltdown, and she had to "talk me down from the ledge" so to speak. But she did, and then helped me finish up the cleaning, and then we left the place for the last time. As sure as I was excited to be out of there, it felt wrong to say goodbye without mom there with me to share in the joy. But somehow I got through.
Suzi and I got lunch and ate outside the hospital on this gorgeous fall day (although I'm not exactly ready for fall). Then we went to see my beloved mom. She looks so good, she's just so beautiful and everyone comments on her gorgeous skin...she really does look ten years younger than she actually is. She was significantly more agitated today than she has been thus far...her left leg was kicking like crazy, and she kept rubbing her left hip as though it was sore. Her sweet nurse gave her some pain meds through her PEG tube, and Pam, who came by for a couple hours, and I repositioned her tilted on her right side. She then seemed to be a little more comfortable for awhile. After Pam left, I just stayed and read a book while holding her hand and massaging her hands and feet with her favorite scented lotion. For the first time, she raised her left hand enough to touch her face (near her mouth)...this is new. She did turn her head toward me periodically and focus her eyes on me too...I just wonder if she knows who I am or if she has absolutely no idea who is looking so intently into her face and telling her she loves her. Sometimes I am so convinced she knows it's me and takes comfort in that, and other times I am not so sure at all and am so afraid she is scared and doesn't recognize any of us. I just hope that deep down in her heart, she feels our love and somewhere inside knows we are there with her constantly. I don't want her to be scared and feel all alone.
I forgot to tell you about something that she had done yesterday...she had a PICC line placed thank goodness, and now they won't have to poke her much at all. A PICC line is a "Peripherally inserted central catheter," which is basically an IV that in her case is inserted through her upper left arm and threaded through the blood vessels until the tip is resting in the superior vena cava (a blood vessel leading to her heart). This can be in place more longterm for her antibiotic therapy and whatever other IV fluids and meds she may need. They can also draw blood from this, which eliminates more pokes. I am VERY glad they put this in, because it's so much better for her in the long run.
So overall, it was a status quo day for mom and a not so nice day for me. For the first time since the accident, I am sleeping by myself without a sleepover partner, which I'm sure is contributing to my anxiety. We'll see how it goes...I've had approximately 5 meltdowns today, and according to my Aunt Betty my limit is 6, so I guess I'm okay for the day (so far anyway). At least I have a "Mega Mango Margarita" on board thanks to Nikki, Kate, Meg Mc and Cesar's Mexican Restaurant. Hopefully this will help me sleep a bit despite being alone tonight. Wish me luck. Thank you all again for your continued support. You're the best friends I could ever ask for.
Comments
Hang in there! It makes me so sad that you had so many break downs yesterday:( I am sorry that I could not be there but I am so glad that our other friends could be with you:) I hope last night was ok and today is a better day. I will talk to you later. Love you!
Jillian
you are so strong, even though you don't feel like it right now...it just amazes me!! i hope you had a good night! there are so many people pulling and praying for the both of you..hang in there :)
katie p