Fear sets in
Hi friends,
This will be a short entry as I just arrived home from the hospital, and it's 2am, so I'd really like to get to bed, but I know many of you read this the first thing in the morning, and I'd hate to disappoint...it just won't be as detailed as usual.
Today was frustrating on many counts, one that she was made to move to another room on another floor because of a room crunch in the hospital. I had just begun to build relationships with the nurses and techs, and then she had to move, which made me very irritated, but I got over it (I have learned I need to pick my battles), and it ended up being fine. She is now in a private room without the chance of getting a roommate, and she is right in front of the nurse's station for easy access. My hope is that she won't be there more than a couple more days before being transferred to RIC, which brings me to another frustration...I didn't hear back from the social worker today regarding the time frame for RIC, so you can bet I'll be making some phone calls in the morning. I'm sure he's a busy man, but this is my mom's life and my life we're talking about here. Let's go, people.
Suzi was able to bring by lunch and hang out for awhile, which was very nice for all three of us. Then Lilly was able to come by for a bit as well (see her blog entry), and was able to help with the room transfer and all that jazz. Then in the evening, Stef M came by and we ordered dinner from the book of menus that nurses inevitably have on the unit. :) Also making an appearance was Nick Early, a friend of mom's from MSU - he got a warmer reception from mom than I do when I come in to see her! She laughed (as best she could) and was all smiles, a wonderful thing to see.
So we all hung out for a bit, making fun of reality shows like "Dancing With the Stars." Nick headed out around 8pm, and Stef and I were planning to make our exit around 10, but mom started to become very anxious, so I just had Stef leave and planned to stay and try to calm mom down a little bit. From what I gathered from her nods and somewhat difficult-to-interpret mouthed words, she was scared...of what I'm not sure...I mean, there's the obvious, waking up and knowing something has happened and something is wrong but being too afraid to know what exactly occurred (she has yet opted for me not to tell her everything). There's being on a new floor with new nurses and techs to get used to. There's just being alone at night in the hospital. Whatever it was, I saw it in her eyes, and it got me shaking and choking back tears. Something about the look in her eyes was haunting me, and I absolutely couldn't leave her. When the trauma resident FINALLY came around 1115pm to change her trach again, I asked him to order her something to help her relax, which he did willingly thank goodness. I would have had to put up a fight otherwise. However, she was finally able to settle down into sleep, only to be awoken by the night shift nurse who came in to do all her assessments and cares and woke her right back up again. So I spent the next 30 min or so after she was finished calming her back down again, getting her comfortable, and making sure she was okay if I left. She told me she was, but it still tore my heart out to leave her.
It is abundantly clear that she is now completely aware of her surroundings, that something has happened to her, things aren't the same, and that she's scared to know. I tell her over and over that she is going to be fine, she has nothing to be scared of, and that she's getting better and better everyday. But until she lets us tell her what happened, the fear of the unknown (as Aunt Betty pointed out) is probably amplifying that anxiety, as we all tend to imagine the worst if there's something we don't know. As her daughter and the one she needs the most right now, I have to tell you that this is almost harder for me than anything else has been so far. I feel as though I've dealt with enough fear for the both of us throughout this ordeal, and I wish I could take away her fear and absorb it into myself. The last thing that will help me to relax and sleep and not be there is knowing she's scared to death.
Please pray for her inner peace and faith in herself right now, in addition of course to praying for her continued healing. It's absolutely breaking my heart.
This will be a short entry as I just arrived home from the hospital, and it's 2am, so I'd really like to get to bed, but I know many of you read this the first thing in the morning, and I'd hate to disappoint...it just won't be as detailed as usual.
Today was frustrating on many counts, one that she was made to move to another room on another floor because of a room crunch in the hospital. I had just begun to build relationships with the nurses and techs, and then she had to move, which made me very irritated, but I got over it (I have learned I need to pick my battles), and it ended up being fine. She is now in a private room without the chance of getting a roommate, and she is right in front of the nurse's station for easy access. My hope is that she won't be there more than a couple more days before being transferred to RIC, which brings me to another frustration...I didn't hear back from the social worker today regarding the time frame for RIC, so you can bet I'll be making some phone calls in the morning. I'm sure he's a busy man, but this is my mom's life and my life we're talking about here. Let's go, people.
Suzi was able to bring by lunch and hang out for awhile, which was very nice for all three of us. Then Lilly was able to come by for a bit as well (see her blog entry), and was able to help with the room transfer and all that jazz. Then in the evening, Stef M came by and we ordered dinner from the book of menus that nurses inevitably have on the unit. :) Also making an appearance was Nick Early, a friend of mom's from MSU - he got a warmer reception from mom than I do when I come in to see her! She laughed (as best she could) and was all smiles, a wonderful thing to see.
So we all hung out for a bit, making fun of reality shows like "Dancing With the Stars." Nick headed out around 8pm, and Stef and I were planning to make our exit around 10, but mom started to become very anxious, so I just had Stef leave and planned to stay and try to calm mom down a little bit. From what I gathered from her nods and somewhat difficult-to-interpret mouthed words, she was scared...of what I'm not sure...I mean, there's the obvious, waking up and knowing something has happened and something is wrong but being too afraid to know what exactly occurred (she has yet opted for me not to tell her everything). There's being on a new floor with new nurses and techs to get used to. There's just being alone at night in the hospital. Whatever it was, I saw it in her eyes, and it got me shaking and choking back tears. Something about the look in her eyes was haunting me, and I absolutely couldn't leave her. When the trauma resident FINALLY came around 1115pm to change her trach again, I asked him to order her something to help her relax, which he did willingly thank goodness. I would have had to put up a fight otherwise. However, she was finally able to settle down into sleep, only to be awoken by the night shift nurse who came in to do all her assessments and cares and woke her right back up again. So I spent the next 30 min or so after she was finished calming her back down again, getting her comfortable, and making sure she was okay if I left. She told me she was, but it still tore my heart out to leave her.
It is abundantly clear that she is now completely aware of her surroundings, that something has happened to her, things aren't the same, and that she's scared to know. I tell her over and over that she is going to be fine, she has nothing to be scared of, and that she's getting better and better everyday. But until she lets us tell her what happened, the fear of the unknown (as Aunt Betty pointed out) is probably amplifying that anxiety, as we all tend to imagine the worst if there's something we don't know. As her daughter and the one she needs the most right now, I have to tell you that this is almost harder for me than anything else has been so far. I feel as though I've dealt with enough fear for the both of us throughout this ordeal, and I wish I could take away her fear and absorb it into myself. The last thing that will help me to relax and sleep and not be there is knowing she's scared to death.
Please pray for her inner peace and faith in herself right now, in addition of course to praying for her continued healing. It's absolutely breaking my heart.
Comments
I could sit here and rave about her, but I should do the work I have to do. :O) Take care of yourself and that beautiful mom of yours. Tell her I said hello and that she (well the both of you) are in my thoughts and prayers. She may not remember me by name, but tell her its "her peach" (when she left Allina I had given her this jeweled peach... it was a little something between the 2 of us) and maybe she will recognize it.
Dianne (dianne.hines@allina.com)